If Only
by ObsessedWithOceanVessels
Summary: What would have happened if Tris faced the guilt of Will's death head on and told Tobias in Amity? Would it change the course of Insurgent itself? Hopefully, cause all that arguing seriously frustrated lots of fans. I've always been bad with Summaries, story is much better than this.


**Hello Pansycakes,**

 **Was it just me, or was Fourtris' constant arguing extremely frustrating? I HATED IT! So much that I actually punched and threw the book multiple times! So, to make me feel better about Insurgent and Allegiant I decided to write a short fanfic about if Tris told Tobias about Will's death before they travelled to Candor. Hope you like it! Oh, everything in italics is directly from the book. (Sorry if I made any mistakes)**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own the series or its characters.**

 _His door creeks when I pull it open, loud enough to wake him. He stares at me for a second._

 _"C'mere" he says, sluggish from sleep. He shifts back on the bed to leave space for me. I should have thought this through. I sleep in a long T-shirt one of the Amity lent me. It comes down just past my butt, and I didn't think to put on a pair of shorts before I came here. Tobias' eyes skim over my bare legs, making my face warm. I lie down, facing him._

 _"Bad dream?" he says_

 _I nod._

 _"What happened?"_

 _I shake my head. I can't tell him I'm having night mares about Will, or I would have to explain why. What would he think of me, if he knew what I had done? How would he look at me?_

 _He keeps his hand on my cheek, moving his thumb over my cheek bone idly._

 _"We're alright, you know?" he says "You and me. Okay?"_

 _My chest aches, and I nod._

 _"Nothing else is alright is all right." his whisper tickles my cheek. "But we are."_

For how long though, how long will it be before I come clean? He doesn't deserve this, he never has. He looks at me now, so much trust is in the look; and I can't take it anymore. I'm tired of lying to him. That's exactly what this is, one big lie. He loves me and I don't even trust him. I don't even trust him to love me. If I can't do that; then I don't deserve to be with him.

"Tobias," My throat constricts, and I try to breathe. I have to do it, I have to. "I-" the word comes out strangled and I try to keep the tears from my eyes by blinking them harshly.

"Hey," he pulls me closer and wraps one of his arms around me, cupping my face with the other.

"What is it?"

I open my eyes and look in to his; they're filled with concern but as mesmerising as ever.

I take a deep breath, knowing this is it. I'm going to tell him.

"After my mum died during the attack, the Dauntless were chasing me. There were only about three. In the end-" I'm cut off by the choking again; I groan in frustration and put my hands to my eyes. He gently pulls them off and looks at me; I can see he's worried. I start again.

"By the end there was one left." I pause and push down the burning sensation in my chest. I look Tobias in the eye, "It was Will." I whisper, looking away again; I can't hold his gaze. I don't hold back the tears anymore, I let them flow freely, leaving behind their trail.

"I heard his bullet slide into the chamber and I-" I breathe rapid shallow breaths, and cling to him, knowing soon he might push me away. "I killed him." I small sob escapes me, "I killed Will. He was going to kill me and I killed him first."

He stays quiet, from what I don't know. I can't look at him; I can't bear to see what I've done. After a few moments I remove myself from his hold without saying anything, afraid to make matters worse. As I'm about to sit up to leave, his hand goes to my side trying to pull me back gently. But I don't budge, I stay there, wishing he would say nothing and just let me leave. I don't want to hear what I've done from him.

"Tris," It comes out quiet, but he doesn't sound angry or disgusted, "Wait, just, wait. Please." Without looking at him I start to lie back down. He stays quiet before wiping away my tears and placing both hands on either side of my face. With his thumbs under my chin he lifts my head delicately forcing me to look at him, "I'm so sorry." He says. I shake my head. And open my mouth to reject, but he puts his fingertips to my lips, "It's wrong," he says, sounding angry, but still speaking calmly, "It doesn't matter if he's in a better place – he isn't here with you, and that's _wrong_ , Tris. He was your friend and you were forced to do what you did. It shouldn't have happened. It shouldn't have happened to you. And if anyone tells you it's okay, they're a liar."

Another sob rocks my body and he wraps his arms around me so tightly I find it difficult to breathe, but it doesn't matter. I place my head to his chest as _my dignified weeping gives way to full on ugliness, my mouth open and face contorted and sounds of a dying animal come from my throat. If this continues I will break apart, and maybe that would be better, maybe it would be better to shatter and bear nothing. He doesn't speak for a long time, not until I'm quiet._

"Tris, this doesn't change anything between us. You know that right?" he waits for a response but I don't give him one.

"Tris?" again he tilts my head up softly so I look at him. I don't meet his eyes, instead I look south of them. "Look at me." I do, it's then that I see how hurt he really is. I'm taken back to his apartment when I told him about my fear landscape, how he was in it. I place my hand over his heart.

"I thought you'd think differently of me. Or you'd leave me, or-" He kisses me, softly but urgently at the same time. I move my hand to the back of his neck and all too soon he pulls away.

"If this, you and me, is going to work we need to trust each other." He plays with my hair as he speaks, soothing me, "You need to trust me." I nod.

"I do trust you, it's just that…" I sigh, "It's not exactly easy to be with me." He laughs a little.

"And being with me isn't?"

"You're different. _You_ haven't done anything close to what I've done. And, I don't know, I'm afraid you won't love me because of those things. I don't trust anyone to do that. It isn't your problem; it's mine." He's quiet, but when he speaks I see how offended he feels.

"Beatrice Prior, you listen to me. Do you think I was thinking this," he motions his finger between the both of us, "would be like Amity? No, I can honestly tell you I didn't. We're bound to have flaws. But you know what? I love each and every one of your flaws, and more importantly I love you, and nothing will change that. Ever." He looks at me as though he couldn't believe I thought otherwise. In that moment we just look at each other, I place both of my hands on either side of his face and lean in closer, so our lips are nearly touching.

"I love you." I say. I don't know why I haven't told him before. _Maybe I was afraid to trust him with something as personal as my devotion. Or afraid that I did not know what it was to love someone. But now I think the scariest thing is to not say it before it's too late._ With all that's going on around us, what if I said it and I was too late, or if I never said it at all?

 _I am his, and he is mine, and it has been that way all along._ It's only now when part of the overbearing weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I am able to confine in him that I truly see how much I need him.

He stares at me and we stay like that as he considers his response. _He frowns, "Say it again."_

 _"Tobias," I say, "I love you."_

I hear him let out a breath I didn't know he was holding. _He presses his face to my neck and kisses me right above the collar bone, kisses my cheek, kisses my lips._

"We're going to get through this, you know, together." He stops and then adds, "Then maybe we can finally be a normal couple." He whispers pulling me closer to him and I smile. Something I haven't done genuinely for a while. I put my face to his shoulder and finally feel as though sleep will consume me.

 _"Sleep," he says, "I'll fight the bad dreams off if they come to get you."_

 _"With what?"_

 _"My bare hands, obviously."_

 _I wrap my arm around his waist and take a deep breath of his shoulder. He smells like sweat and fresh air and mint, from the salve he sometimes uses to sooth his sore muscles. He smells safe, too, like sunlit walks in the orchard and silent breakfasts in the dining hall. And in the moments before I drift off to sleep, I hear him whisper, "I love you, Tris."_ I say it back, but it comes out all garbled. And before I'm completely gone I catch him chuckle lightly and kiss my head.

 **So, how was it? I know this is just a one-shot, but if any of you enjoyed it I'm happy to get some ideas from any of you to write other chapters about how because this scenario happened, they wouldn't have argued as much about other things. Did that make sense? So for example, when Tris thinks of going to Erudite she won't do it without having a plan that Tobias knows about because she feels like he deserves to not be completely ditched by her. All. The. Time. Honestly, Tris got on my nerves sometimes. Well, most of Insurgent...**

 **Thanks everyone, please leave a Review! And feel free to send a PM if you have any ideas for me, or just put it in with the review. (I'll give you credit for the idea of course) :-)**


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